I am not who I think I am. Neither are you. Now that’s out of the way, let’s get down to it.
There are a slew of qualities I admire about myself. I prefer to see myself as kind, honest, friendly and athletic. I wish the last one was a joke but it’s not. I consider myself above average in athleticism. I play softball with other guys who think they’re younger than they really are. Sometimes I make a good play. I’m pretty fast around the bases and I subsequently do well in the outfield. Except when I’m misjudging fly balls and throwing the ball away. I guess my arm isn’t as accurate as it could be.
Self deception is alive and well and I’m under its spell.
I also consider myself to have a healthy helping of empathy. I care about everything and everyone. A lot. It’s exhausting. I consider it a gift though and feel good knowing I’m concerned for others. It’s easy for me to identify with their joy and their pain though I seem to connect with their pain more frequently. I’m empathetic and identify as such. I exhibit highly empathetic characteristics. If you know me you already know this.
Yet I fail to empathize with my wife on a regular basis. My children, too. And that guy in the car that’s not driving the way I want him to. (Yes, that’s still a thing for me but I’m recovering.)
It’s not just empathy. I’m a kind person who isn’t always that kind. I’m an honest person who sometimes “glosses” over things to make it easier.
“Well, that’s mostly the truth…”
I’m a hard worker who knows how to be lazy.
I’m a trusting person who sometimes has a hard time placing trust.
As Chris Argyris concludes: “Put simply, people consistently act inconsistently, unaware of the contradiction between their espoused theory and their theory-in-use, between the way they think they are acting and the way they really act.”
Recently I’ve made a commitment to see things for what they really are as much as I am able. For myself, that includes letting go of the fear and looking for the places where somethings’s “out.” For others, that includes letting go of the fear and looking for the places where something might be just fine despite my desire for them to be wrong.
We all have filters for ourselves and for others. May I suggest we challenge those automatic assumptions?
So far, it’s working out pretty well for me.
