One time when I was a kid my parents thew a party on New Year’s Eve. Us kids were sent below deck to ring in 1996(?) with an old RCA television and some concrete walls we would go on to vandalize with Sharpie markers. It was fun. One of their platinum-blonde grown-up friends stumbled down the stairs in her stilettos to say hello and out slipped an F-bomb.

You’ve done worse, haven’t you?

I had to share that because I’m about to spill some beans and this needs to be a judgement-free zone if we’re gonna get through this post together.

I remember when the New Year was just a night when you got to watch TV and eat junk food and stay up past your bedtime.

Now it’s different. For a couple days I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to post on Facebook on December 31st. What accomplishments can I list to remind myself and everyone that knows me that I made good use of the 525,949 minutes I had to work with in 2014? What can I say that will make people admire me and realize I’ve got it all together?

Yeah, it’s kinda pathetic. You can wonder with me if nineteen years has really shaped my perspective for the better. (But… judgement-free zone, remember?)

My year looks really great on paper. I’ve assembled an impressive roster of milestones and accomplishments to boast about. They want me to tell everyone about them in a simple post that also acknowledges how thankful I am for everyone in my life that helped make them happen. You know, where you brag about yourself but sprinkle in a little humility so you don’t feel so bad about it.

I’m not really feeling it this year. First, though, I need to tell you about my 2014.

I co-wrote and published TWO books. I ran my first marathon. I got married. My wife and I bought our first home. I manually removed 14.4 tons of snow from my driveway. I even became an official minister and married another couple. 

Pretty great, right? On paper easily the best year of my life. Certainly good enough for public consumption.

I don’t believe I had a good year. I’m not as happy with myself as I usually am.

This isn’t about making you think I’m just someone who’s got super-high standards and is never satisfied, by the way. Actually, it’s just the opposite. I think I’m too easily satisfied. That’s the problem.

One year ago I was already anticipating most of the aforementioned items on my list. We were closing on the house. The wedding date was set. I just signed up for the marathon. I even remember thinking what it was going to feel like right now – one full year in the future. Knowing that even on my worst day I could lay claim to all of these “things” excited me. It was supposed to be a good thing. But it became a crutch. Suddenly I had an excuse to dodge other responsibilities and take the easy way out in some areas of my life. And no one could call me out, because my report card basically suggested I made the honor roll. I was protected. But now I realize I took advantage of that. I think I cheated a little bit.

Not all is doom and gloom in Maurerville. There’s a lot to be positive about. At the top of that list was locking my lady friend down to that lifetime contract. I know you’re supposed to know how amazing she is before you ask for her hand but I have even more in her than I ever realized one year ago. And our wedding was easily the best day of my life. There’s other feel-good stuff, too, but that’s numero uno.

Time and money are arguably two of the most important resources in life and I’m not a great manager of either of them. I’m not the best husband. I don’t show my wife how much I love her in all the ways that I should. I watched more TV than I did last year. And read fewer books. There are a couple of house projects I still haven’t “gotten around to.” Bad habits remain unbroken. I don’t have it all together.

In this age of broadcasting our lives I realize we’re supposed take our wins public and keep our losses hidden. That’s become the rule. I feel like I’m supposed to just work this stuff out in private and not resurface until I’ve “triumphed” in some way. And to tide myself (and others) over with a simple regurgitation of my year on paper.

But you know what? I’m a person. I’ve got scars. And while I’ll never be 100% authentic the least I could do is be real about the areas where I’m full of it. So I’m owning up to it and marking 2014 in the loss column. I mean, how can you have good years if you don’t have bad ones?

On the bright side, I’ve learned a lot this year. I’ve learned that how a year looks on paper isn’t necessarily the same as how it feels in the flesh. I’ve learned that having an impressive list of accomplishments doesn’t necessarily make you feel accomplished.

And there’d be no way to share these lessons with you if I pretended everything was perfect.

These are valuable lessons. Maybe acknowledging them honestly is the true task of the year.

Here’s to a gratifying 2015.

Go Bills.

Photo credit: Slate