I’m feeling spicy.

I want people to feel a certain way about me. Sometimes I don’t do the best job of that. So I just say or do things that people expect of me. That never does what I want it to even though it usually feels safe at the moment.

You might do this, too. Most businesses are certainly guilty. But I don’t think that makes it any better.

When are you saying something and when are you just talking?

Enter the official incomplete list of 21 phrases that talk much but say little. It’s going to get snarky, but there’s a reason for that. You’ll see. These phrases can be found in ads and LinkedIn profiles and the area in The Lion King where the sun doesn’t shine. They need to go. It’s incomplete because it’s going to need your help in a minute.

Read on.

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1. Family owned and operated. The piece of us that wants what we want doesn’t think much about your family tree.

2. Conveniently located. Maybe this matters if you’re a grocery store. But how many hair salons do you drive past to get to yours? Convenience only matters when nothing else does.

3. Serving all of Western New York (or any specific area). You’ll do business with people 45 minutes away I’ll never meet… Where do I sign?

4. Creative solutions. People don’t talk like that. Especially “creative” people.

5. Strong motivational skills. It’s important that you know my ability to stimulate performance is by no means weak. It’s strong.

6. Committed to serving you. Had you not made it clear, I’d have no way of assuming your intentions of making money off me were unwavering.  Kudos!

7. Self-starter. No one needs to pull ME out of bed in the morning!

8. Team player. My ability to accept the fact that I can’t do everything by myself is remarkably noteworthy.

9. Think outside the box. Using this phrase totally contradicts itself, right?

10. For all your _______ needs.  People don’t have “accounting” needs or “automotive” needs. They have a “When am I going to find a place that won’t try to squeeze extra repairs out of me AND won’t keep my car for 3 days” problem. Our “needs” are never as broad as your professional category.

11. Maximizing your satisfaction.  I’m pretty sure the taco I had last Wednesday did that. Should I confirm with my doctor that my satisfaction was indeed maximized?

12. Your one-stop-shop.  Haven’t you figured out that Americans like to shop? What’s the fun if we only need to stop once.

13. In this economy.  As opposed to any other economy? Besides, don’t try to take our money and at the same time tell us how important it is to save our money.

14. The leading provider.  I love it when I’m provided things. Especially when the provider of those things provides more of those things than any other provider of said things.

15. Delivering peace of mind.  Something even the strongest drugs can’t get right every time. Impressive! And you deliver? Do I have to tip the driver?

16. As seen on TV.  Endless violence in the Middle East and reckless twenty-somethings abandoning their morals for a shot at minor celebrity are also seen on TV. Just saying.

17. For a limited time only. This time is so limited we’re not even willing to tell you exactly how limited it is.

18. Since 1937. How fascinating that you could exist for so long without me caring about you even slightly.

19. Here to serve you. Really? A for-profit business does that? Wow.

20. Will meet or exceed your expectations. “Ya know, I would just love it if someone could either meet or exceed my expectations today.”

21. Increase brand awareness. It doesn’t much matter if every human on this earth is aware of you if they’re not persuaded by you. (Sorry. Industry jargon we hear too much. I couldn’t resist.)

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Clearly this makes me sound like a spiteful jerk. And for that reason I was scared to publish this. I almost didn’t, actually.

But then I realized something. The fear of sharing how we feel – and I mean really  sharing it – is exactly what causes these compromised, watered-down regurgitations in the first place. Doesn’t it? We’re scared to be a little too provocative. We’re taught to hold our breath. To think before we speak. And those are good things. But any good thing can be taken too far.

I think the world would be a better place if we stopped talking for the sake of talking.

Ready for the ironic twist? I need this reminder right now – probably even more than you do. I think that’s where this idea came from. But guess what? Putting something out there and owning up to it is the best way to actually get there yourself. It works. It’s taken me exactly 11 months of practicing in public to learn this.

Now I want to hear from you.  Comment below with your own cringe-worthy phrases. Let them out. It will feel good. Then we’ll republish this with your contributions.

The only rule is you can’t hold back.